Quagmire's Story
by BONZAI14
Summary: Quagmire writes a letter to Lois with strange results following. Keep reading please. Updates soon. Read and review. DaPope72
1. Chapter 1

Dear Lois,

Gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity…. Alright! Hey Lois is Meg eighteen yet? Alright! Gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity… Has Chris turned into a woman yet if so there more cushion for the pushin. I think he is because I hear him scream about some stupid evil monkey. Alright! Gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity …Hey did you tell Peter about us two doing it last night, or was that a man. Alright! Gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity… Hey does Brian have anymore crack? Heh, heh. I need some for my crack addicted whore. Alright! Gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity… Alright! And is it just me or can anyone else hear that baby talk about killing you? Alright? Gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity, gigity… I love your rack. OWW!

Sexy lady,

Quagmire


	2. Stewies Evil Scheme

I have no claim to Rush Hour 2. Play Boy Magazine, or Star Wars.

Quagmire's Story Part II

Stewie's Evil Scheme

The letter from Quagmire was received just a few days after he had sent it in the mail. (Which is idiotic because he lives next door to her.) Stewie read the letter after Lois had set it on the dinner table walking up the stairs in disgust to wash off her hands after touching the letter. The letter repulsed Stewie, but then an evil scheme popped into his head.

"So… our horny neighbor Quagmire wants to play a game of twister with Lois kinky style. (If you know what I mean.) Well, I could either use his knowledge to throw more crazy and wild sexy parties, or I could use his "Charm" to have Lois suffer a faith worse than death." Stewie laughed evilly.

Then Chris came running through the kitchen screaming about an evil monkey in his closet. Stewie shouted in an angry voice "Chris shut up about that damn monkey. You know what I'm taking care of this right now."

Stewie walked up to Chris's room, busted open the door and there was a monkey smoking a joint while looking through some PLAY CHIMP magazines. Then Stewie shut the door. There was a loud shriek, then the two of them came out of the room, the two were shaking hands. "Now your going to go to this physiatrist to help you work out your problems with your wife correct?" asked Stewie. The monkey answered with a shriek and shook his head. Then Stewie stole the monkey's wallet and left.

Stewie reached the bottom of the steps and pulled out a white card from the monkey's wallet. Stewie said happily "There's my secret ninja closet access card and thirty dollars." Stewie stuck the thirty dollars in his diaper. "Lets hope Lois doesn't go back to jail again anytime soon or this money wont last long because that overweight buffoon wont change my damn diaper." Then Stewie entered his room. Walked up to his closet turned the doorknob twice to the left, once to the right, then once more to the left. After a computer voice asked for a password. Stewie responded, "Blast you vile woman." The computer responded to the password with "Enter."

Stewie walked into a dark room and began to speak in Japanese. Then Jackie Chan popped out of the curtains. He began yelling out incorrect English using poor grammar. Then Chris Tucker came out from behind the same curtain and yelled in a strange high pitch-black voice. "Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" Then Jackie and Chris disappeared into the darkness arguing about going to Los Angeles or going to save Jackie's uncle. Then Stewie continued forward. A Dark voice spoke out "You have come far my son. You must use the force to feed your dark side. The Sith shall rise again! We will crush the rebels!" Stewie interrupted and said "Ok Darth Vader, take a chill pill. I'm just going to kick Quagmire's ass then give him an option of dying or having sex with Lois. So let me think of the right words…. SHUT UP!"

To be continued…

DaPope72


	3. The Baby Sitter

Quagmire's Story Part III

The Baby Sitter

Once Stewie gathered all his items, which included a baby bottle, a pair of toy keys, straw, dirty diapers, etc. Then Stewie began talking to himself "Now I must think of a plan to get Lois to have that Quagmire watch over me. Ha now I have an idea of how to get ride of Peter and have Lois suffer two horrible faiths." Stewie then dawns his peter robot and transforms it into a Lois figure.

Stewie in his robot disguised as Lois comes down the stairs. "Now lets try this translator. You idiot I am not a woman, and why don't you cook for once." Proclaimed Stewie. The robot began to talk. "Peter ill make you mac' and cheese then we can have SEX!" Stewie was delighted with his successful translator.

Stewie walked into the kitchen where Peter was trying to open a beer with his teeth. Stewie was delighted, "Perfect now I must put my plan into action." Stewie walked the robot to the living room and open a can of beer. Peter then came running through the door. "My beer senses are tingling. Sweet a beer. Hey Lois you going to finish that beer." Stewie's robot answered with "No Peter you can have it."

Just as Peter was clutching the beer Stewie dropped it onto the floor. "Oops so sorry. And no use trying to lick it up. This new carpet absorbs everything automatically. But I dropped a case of beer in the street." Peter jumped up and ran for the door. He open the door and there was a case of beer laying in the road. "Aw sweet now I can work on my six pack." (Work out joke)

Peter ran into the street and began drinking the beer. Then a car riding down the road with a drunken driver talking on a cell phone began to spin out of control. The car flipped and slid about to collide into Peter. The car stopped just before smacking Peter. "Wow that was so close… I think I wet myself."

Out of nowhere Joe comes flying in his wheel chair screaming, "That's my beer Peter, hand it over!" Joe began beating the living crap out of Peter. And stole back his beer. Lois drove up in the car after going to the grocery store. Lois screamed franticly "Peter what happened?" She ran inside and called an ambulance.

When the ambulance arrived Lois jumped into the car with Chris, Meg, Stewie, and Brian. She stopped and said "Oh my gosh. I don't want Stewie to see peter like this. I know." Lois grabbed Stewie from the car seat and ran up to Quagmires house. Quagmire answered the door. " "Hello sexy lady. Wow Lois! Hey you're not my three o'clock "massage" lady. But you'll do just fine. Alright!"

Lois handed Stewie to Quagmire. "Glen I need you to watch Stewie while Peter is in the Hospital. Can you do that for me?" Quagmire answered "Sure thing Lois. I'd do anything for you." Lois was so relieved. "Thank you!" And gave Quagmire a kiss on the cheek and left. "WOW! Baby. Stewie you're my ticket into your mom's pants. Alright! Gigty, gigty, gigty, gigty!"

Stewie was pleased. "That's what I'm hoping."

To be continued…

DaPope72


	4. Stewie's Propostion and Lois's Demise

I have no claim on Girl's Gone Wild.

Quagmire's Story Part IV

Stewie's Proposition and Lois's Demise

Quagmire took Stewie inside and sat him down on the couch. Quagmire stood in the middle of the room and started to scratch his neck. "Wow. I've never had to take care of a kid before. Umm… what do babies like to do? I know. We'll watch an educational video."

Quagmire went inside his closet and a bunch of sex toys fell out. Pink fuzzy handcuffs, black whips, and other things. Then quagmire picked up a red video tap. "Alright! Stewie just sit back and relax. Oh yeah here little buddy." Quagmire handed Stewie some hand lotion. Stewie looked at the bottle with a confused look on his face. "What in God's name am I supposed to do with this?"

The television turned on and a blonde woman with a white lab coat came on the screen. "Hey there big boy. Do you want to learn some science? Well you came to the right place. We're going to learn about the reproductive system and about the human body. First lesson. When you see a pair of these," the woman pull the lab coat down and showed a pair of C boobs, "you take this…" then she showed a picture of a penis, "and some lotion. Take your hand and make a hole with your hand and wrap it around your penis and move your hand up and down."

Several minutes later the woman put her lab coat back on. "There doesn't that feel better?" Quagmire looked over at Stewie. "Do you like that little buddy?" Stewie stared into the screen not blinking with his hand in his diaper. "That was the most amazing thing I have ever seen." Quagmire laughed. "You haven't seen half of it." Quagmire walked over to his closet again. And a whole mound of tapes fell out. Stewie stared blankly and began to drool. Stewie asked, "Do you have any BGW (Babies Gone Wild)?"

Two hours later Stewie and Quagmire lay down on the floor covered in white goo. "That was awesome. I tell you what Quagmire if you give me your porn tapes I will help you have sex with Lois." Quagmire shot up. "No way. You cant do that? Wait the tapes are better than Lois. Anyway she won't do anything with me. You're lying."

Stewie became outraged. "Damn it. If you don't give me those tapes I will kick your ass instead!" A Stewie leap in the air and pulls out his baby bottle and a knife pops out of the bib. Quagmire quivers. "Ok but how are you going to set me and your mom up?" Stewie answers with, "Leave that to me."

Several days later Peter is home from the hospital. Stewie comes running down the stairs. "Lois I know today is your birthday so I made you a cake." There was a huge cake in the middle of the hallway. Lois looked surprised. "Thank you Stewie but today is not my birthday." Stewie took out a straw and shot Lois with a blow dart. "Now Quagmire. Quagmire popped out of the cake. "Alright! Gigty, gigty, gigty, gigty, gigty, goo." Quagmire took Lois's body and dragged it into Peter and Lois's room. "Have fun you two. Now excuse me while I go and do what nature intends me to do."

HA HA HA HA. Will Lois have another baby? Maybe. Did Quagmire use a condom? Who cares?

DaPope72


End file.
